The Miracle Medicine
by Maia Webmistress
Summary: The intro of ..... Morphine! to the FF world! This is actually a joint fanfic written by myself and my partner Lee, with characters from many FF games. Long but really funny! maybe insanity.... insanity is good... oO Please read and review!
1. The Beginning.... (wow so creative huh?)

Title: The Miracle Medicine   
Author: Lee   
(Maia: actually, this is a joint creation. Lee typed it up and we both did some of the ideas)   
Rating: PG 13   
Description: The Final Fantasy world is introduced to the miracle medicine...... Morphine!....... If you don't know what morphine is, it's like a sedative. If you don't know what a sedative is, it's a tranquilizer. Morphine makes people..... happy...... heh, heh, heh.... this is sort of a prequel to Kenji's work...... I think it also helped that I've been drinking too much caffinated coffee lately........ MWA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!!!!!!!!   
Maia: You've gone a little over the top, Lee. Time for your morphine! (takes out a needle and injects Lee, who goes into happy hysterics) *smiles* There you go...... Let's get on with the fic...... 

(Note: This is after the ending of all the Playstation FF games. Possible spoiler's. .... You've been warned.... ^.~)   
Note Again: Sorry, Kenji, if anything is stolen, but has had the words changed! It's just so funny, I can't help myself! 

THE MIRACLE MEDICINE 

It was a beautiful day in the Balamb Garden. Bees buzzed, birds sang, flowers bloomed...... perfect....... The perfection was shattered as a scream rang through the air......   
"Seifer! I'm gonna kill you!!!"   
"What is it, Squall?" Seifer Almasy asked, appearing at Squall's doorway. Squall tackled him.   
"Where's my......" his voice turned to a whisper, "you know..... Mr. Cuddletons?" Seifer grinned.   
"Oh yeah, that stuffed rabbit you...."   
"Don't say it any louder or I rip your lungs out," Squall hissed, moving one of his hands over Seifer's neck. That wasn't where Seifer's lungs were, but Squall didn't really know that. His SeeD training only took him so far.   
"Shutting up."   
"Good. Now, where did you put Mr. Cuddletons?"   
"I never took him. I dunno where he is."   
"Tell me....." Squall threatened, nearing the end of his sanity at the loss of his stuffed rabbit.   
"I don't know! Fujin! Raijin! Help!!!!!" he screamed, struggling to get away from Squall. Seifer's posse came to his rescue.   
"RAGE," Fujin said as she kicked Squall.   
"You should let Seifer go, ya know? It's against the rules to fight, ya know?" Raijin pulled Squall's arm and twisted it. Squall screamed. 

-------------- 

Headmaster Cid was in his office, watching his soap operas. He heard the scream. He sighed and turned on the PA.   
Ding, ding, ding. "This is your headmaster speaking........ Stop making noise while my soap operas are on! Whoever is getting beaten up, Squall, I'm looking at you, take it like a man....... That is all."   
He heard another scream. He glared and turned on the PA again.   
"Hey! What did I just say!?!?!?" 

------------- 

Squall had survived his beating, but still hadn't found Mr. Cuddletons. He turned to Zell for help.   
"Zell, I need help trying to find..... something."   
"S'up, Squall?"   
"Uh....... I just said....."   
"Say no more! I'll help you find your rabbit!"   
"Not so loud!"   
"......'k....." Zell muttered, hanging his head. He perked up again.   
"Alright, this is how I find anything. I just eat my hot dogs!"   
"All you do is eat hot dogs?"   
"Yup, and I come up with the location right away." Squall stared at him for a moment, then raced off towards the cafeteria, pushing and shoving people.   
Seifer stopped him.   
"Squall..... you're not allowed to run in the halls. I'll have to give you a fine and give you a weekend of detention and-" Squall pushed him to the floor.   
"Outta my way! I'm coming, Mr. Cuddletons!!!" Seifer got slowly to his feet, brushed himself off and then chased after Squall. When he reached the cafeteria (which took quite a while. He had to bust about 40 people for something or other and Selphie had tried to get him to join the Garden Festival Committee, something he'd refused about seven times...... she didn't quite get it......) people were sitting on the ground, giggling and singing, Squall among them. He ran to the cafeteria workers.   
"What happened?!?!?!" he yelled, trying to shake some sense into a teenager standing next to him, who seemed to have some sort of balance problem.   
"Well..... we didn't have any hot dogs, so we made the hot dogs out of a strange green bush we found outside and some old grease from the storage."   
"What were the green plants?"   
"Dunno..." Seifer rolled his eyes and picked up a hot dog that someone had dropped. He licked it, thinking that a small taste wasn't going to harm him. 

Author's Note: Wanna bet, Seifer? 

Seifer went instantly into hysterics and wandered aimlessly around, singing. "La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.............." 

Maia's Note: Guess it wasn't the ketchup..... it was a very.... um... "happy" hot dog... How they made hot dogs out of plants and grease is beyond me..... 

The worker sweatdropped and ran to find Dr. Kadowaki. 

--------------------------------- 

Zidane was reading the Alexandrian Chronicles when he came across something that made him scream.   
"No!!!!! It can't be!!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mikoto strode into the room, stirring something in a bowl.   
"What's wrong, Zidane?"   
"Dagger's g-getting married...... In a m-month...... WAAHHH!!!!!!!"   
"To who?"   
"Steiner....."   
"What?! That big ugly dope!!??"   
"Uh, huh. Mikoto, get me the one thing that will kill off severe depression."   
"Booze, booze and more booze? Porn magazines, too?"   
Zidane nodded.   
"Should I go and buy it or steal it?"   
"Steal."   
"Sure. Be right back." 

------------------ 

As for our FF9 villain, Kuja, he'd been found in the ruined crater of the Iifa tree (it is Iifa, not Lifa, despite what some of you may think!!) by some Black Mages. They brought him back to their village and put him in their hospital. Having nothing to do with him, they left him lying on the bed as he ranted about death and destruction. They couldn't do much about his condition, so they gave him a sedative, which knocked him out.   
"Nurse, we should operate on him. He seems delusional," the black mage doctor cried.   
"Oh, well... not my business......." the Terraian nurse replied, shrugging.   
"But it is your business! You're the nurse!"   
"Yeah, well...." She took a needle out of her pocket and sedated the doctor. She then left to go and find some medicinal herbs. 

-------------------- 

The nurse was looking around and she saw a plant that looked like medicinal herb. Being the lazy ass that she was, she grabbed the unknown plant and shoved it into her bag. 

------------------- 

Zidane was passed out on the couch. Mikoto shook her head sympathetically and took the porn magazine out of his hand. She walked back into the kitchen.   
"Score! Now I can read the porn and drink........ I'm not even nineteen....... but then again, neither is he....." She shrugged and sat down, downing a whole bottle of moderately priced champagne in one go. She heard a knock at the door.   
"Aw, nuts," she muttered, going to the door. The nurse stumbled in, a dumb smile on her face and she was singing, "MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! MERRY, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!."   
"What the-" Mikoto noticed that she was carrying a medicinal bag. Realizing it came from the hospital, she sat the nurse on the couch next to Zidane and ran out the door with the bag. 

---------------------------- 

"Help!! Stop him!! Hold Kuja down!!!" the doctor yelled. Kuja had awakened and was running crazily in circles around his room, knocking things over and upturning tables. He was screaming something and waving his arms. Try as they might, no one could catch him to give him the sedative injection.   
Mikoto ran into the room.   
"Doctor, I have your-" She stopped when she saw the mass destruction. "Kuja!!!!??!?!?!" she screamed. He turned to look for her voice and saw her. He shook his head and continued his rampage. As he passed her, Mikoto grabbed him around the neck with her tail. She shoved some of the plant into his mouth. He smiled slightly and his eyes closed halfway. His voice went strangely higher pitched and he clasped his hands together.   
"Dance with me, Zidane! Dance with me! Let's all play and have fun!!"   
"What just happened?" the doctor asked, watching Kuja waltzing with his shadow. Mikoto sweatdropped.   
"I think it was the plant...." The doctor frowned and left the room, pulling Kuja gently by the arm. Kuja was still drugged up, so he willingly went. The doctor laid Kuja on a windowside bed and closed the door. Kuja dreamed fitfully. Beatrix was in them and she wouldn't dance with him. Kuja cried and rolled in his sleep. He finally rolled too far and fell out of the four-story window, landing on the ground with a crash.   
"......Uh....... my head.... wha... what happened?" he asked, rubbing the back off his head. He realized he was outside the hospital. Jumping to his feet, he made good his escape.   
"Mwa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!! Now I shall have my revenge on Zidane!! Kee, hee, hee, hee!!!!" He ran off, not knowing that a few minutes ago, he had been trying to dance with a fantasy Zidane. 

------------------ 

"Oh, no!!! He's escaped! Kuja's loose!!!" the black mage doctor screamed when he checked in on Kuja and saw that he was gone. The doctor rallied up some of his medical friends and ordered them out to find Kuja. They took some of the miracle weed, just in case. 

------------------------ 

Kuja was strolling through the forest, humming happily. No, he's not drugged, he's just happy. He watched a bird fly by on the still night air. Kuja sighed. This was the life.   
"Ahhhhh," he sighed again. He suddenly heard something behind him. He listened and realized that it was an Indian warcry.   
"Ooh, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!"   
"What the…" Kuja saw a bunch of black mage medical guys in doctor coats and Indian headbands (little feathers and all) burst through the bushes. They had little blow darts and one of them shot at Kuja. Kuja screamed, dodged the dart and ran.   
"They're after my blood!!! Heeeelllllppppp!!!!"   
Phwt! Kuja sank to his knees as a dart got him the butt.   
"What the hell is in these things!? I should be killing you right.... but the stuff is kicking in..... sooooo......" They strapped him to a stretcher as he started to sing.   
"La, la, la, la, la, la....." 

-------------------- 

They brought Kuja back to the hospital. He was all drugged up and didn't seem to mind one little bit. Mikoto stopped pacing as they entered the room.   
"You found him!! Thank God!"   
"Yes, but..... what is that stuff?"   
"I dunno.... some kind of miracle drug, I suspect....."   
"Ah, well.... works like a charm......" 

------------------------------------- 

The birds sang once again, the bees buzzed and the sun shone brightly. This time, though, it was on another part of the world. Cloud was sharpening his buster sword, muttering something under his breath. All the beauty was lost upon him....... But this isn't really important to the fic, so I'll get to the more important stuff, which I'm sure you're all dying to hear........ where's the morphine!!??!?!?   
Anyway, Cloud was sharpening his sword. He was angry. Tifa had stolen his manipulate materia and was seducing any man she could find. He watched her as she skipped off down the streets of Nibelheim with about twenty guys following dumbly behind her. Cloud was too smart to be manipulated, so he continued to sharpen his buster sword, hoping he could whack off Tifa's head with it.   
"Yo, Cloud! What up?" Barret yelled, racing towards him. Cloud just shrugged and glared at anyone brave enough to get close. He then saw something that made him scream.   
Yuffie was over at the pay phone. She was going to phone her father in Wutai to check up on things. She started to dial when she heard something.   
"NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!" She turned and saw Cloud running towards her. He pushed her out of the way.   
"Cloud?!? What was that for!?!?!" she screamed, getting to her feet.   
"You almost made that collect call without dialing 1800-saveyergil!"   
"1800-what?"   
"Saveyergil. It saves the person you call a gil or two."   
"Oh. Thanks Cloud!" She turned back to her phone and started to dial again.   
"Yuffie!!! Watch out!!!!!"   
"Yeah, yeah, I know. 1800-saveyer-" The phone booth she was at suddenly burst into flames. Sephiroth was standing there, giggling maniacally. Yuffie held the charred phone with some of the cord still attached. She blew smoke out of her blackened face. "Gil."   
"It's Sephiroth!" Tifa screamed and Cloud got up to go and battle. Sephiroth faced him and laughed crazily. No one knew why he was here, he just was. Cloud walloped Sephiroth over the head as he laughed. The medics of Nibelheim ran out, sedated Sephiroth, strapped him to a stretcher and ran to the hospital. Everyone stared at them.   
"Well, you don't see that every @&^%^$% day," Cid muttered, sitting back down to play poker with some of the town's younger citizens. 

------------------- 

Sephiroth, as I said a minute ago, was raced to the hospital. They put him in a hospital bed and left him there to recover. When he woke up, he realized where he was and sighed.   
"Oi, this is definitely one helluva day," he muttered, massaging his temples. He saw that there was a form in the hospital bed behind the curtain next to him. His curiosity, known for killing numerous cats, got the better of him and he pulled the curtain aside. And in the bed was...... Aeris!   
"AHH!!! THE ANCIENT!! KILL HER!! KILL HER!!!!" Sephiroth screamed. Aeris woke up and started to scream, too.   
"Ancient?!? Where?!? AHH! It's Aeris!! Help!! Help!!!" she screamed. Sephiroth stared. Aeris was screaming about herself, which didn't really make sense, but that's what was happening. The doctor rushed in.   
"Nurse! Sedatives!" The nurse ran in and injected Aeris with some sedatives, which made her pass out again. Sephiroth was shaking.   
"What is she doing here? Didn't I kill her and...." He started to cry. "Why was she screaming about herself?"   
"She doesn't know who she is!"   
"But what if she gets her memory back and decides to take her revenge on me?!" he screamed.   
"Not my problem," the doctor said, moving towards Sephiroth with a needle, seeing that he was way too over stimulated. Sephiroth screamed and knocked the needle away.   
"No! No more tranquilizers!" He ran to the window. Putting one leg out, he turned back to them for a moment. "So long, suckers! Now to take my revenge on Cloud! Mwa, ha, ha, ha, ha, AHHHHHHHH!!!!" he screamed as he fell five stories to the ground, landing with a boom. The doctor looked out of the window.   
"Hmm.... looks like he fell on his head. Oh, well. It's not like he uses it much anyway. If he did, he would have taken the stairs!" The doctor rushed down the stairs and started to drag the semi-conscious Sephiroth inside. 

Minutes later.... 

Thump. "Ow!" Thump "Ow!" Thump. "Ow!"   
The doctor was dragging Sephiroth up the stairs. Sephiroth's head was hitting every step. Thump. "Ow!"   
"Just tell me if you're getting a concussion," the doctor said calmly.   
Thump. "Ow!" Thump. "Ow!" Thump. "Waltz with me Cloud! Waltz with me!" he said, his voice high as he clasped his hands.   
"You're fine," was all the doctor said. 

--------------------------- 

Cloud was still sharpening his sword for some reason. He had worn it to a stick, but that didn't really seem to matter. Anyway, he'd been there for about four days, in the same position, with the same expression. The others found it odd, but said nothing. Until one day.....   
"Cloud! Cloud! Help!"   
Cloud looked up as the shepherd boy ran into town, waving his stick.   
"What's wrong, Billy?" Cloud asked, putting down his iron pole. He finally realized what he'd done to his sword.   
"Aw nuts... I mean.... Aw nuts." He shrugged and picked it up. "Now I can use it as a staff." Billy ran and sat on the ground at Cloud's feet, panting.   
"What's wrong?"   
"The sheep! They're mad! They was all actin' normal, then they started astaggering around and bumping into each other. One of them was laughin' and some were singin'!"   
"What the…" Cloud raced off towards the sheep meadow. 

-------------------------- 

Sure enough, the sheep were in the condition the boy had described. None of them seemed to be able to stand. Some were singing and laughing.   
"Hmmm..... should I take the opportunity?" Cloud asked himself, thinking hard. A grin lit his face. "Of course I should!" He took out his iron pole and chased the sheep around, poking them and basically scaring the living daylights out of any who had only been drugged a little. A man from Nibelheim came to watch.   
"Eh, even the best of us have to take a break and play."   
"But like that?" the shepherd asked, pointing at Cloud, who was poking one of the sheep who had passed out on the floor. Cloud was giggling hysterically.   
"Um..... Maybe not...." The man sweatdropped.   
Cloud giggled maniacally as he chased them for a little longer. The shepherd boy sweatdropped. Cloud came back red in the face and panting. His face went serious again.   
"Ahem..... Back to business...... What have they been eating?"   
"They was eating that green plant over there!" the boy said, pointing. Cloud went over the green plant and took a leaf. He licked it. 

Author's Note: *sigh* they never learn, do they? 

Cloud sat on the ground, a dumb grin on his face as he started to sing.   
"La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la..."   
The paramedics appeared and took Cloud off to the hospital. 

------------------------- 

Sephiroth was having problems. After awakening, he had tried to escape, but they had tied him to his bed.   
"This is torture, I tell you! Torture!" he yelled, struggling. Aeris, on his other side, was obviously trying to make friends with him.   
"Hi. I'm patient number 456. What's your name?"   
"............ Sephiroth."   
"Do you like Knock knock jokes?"   
"............. Maybe."   
"Knock knock."   
"......... Who's there?"   
"Car."   
"Car who?"   
"Car go Beep, beep!" She started to giggle hysterically.   
"Oh, Mighty Jenova, please spare me," Sephiroth whispered. 

------------------------- 

Hours later, Sephiroth was still trying to figure out what to do about Aeris and her obsession with Knock knock jokes.....   
"Knock knock." Sephiroth crossed his arms.   
"....... I won't say it!"   
"Say it!!" Aeris threatened.   
"No!" Aeris grabbed a pen from her bedside table and jumped on Sephiroth. She pinned him to the bed and started making stabbing motions at Sephiroth, who screamed and tried to get free. The doctor ran in.   
"Oh my God! Nurse, sedatives!"   
"We don't have any more! We've used too much!"   
"Aw, nuts!" He tried to wrestle Aeris off of Sephiroth, but she was too strong and too crazy. Suddenly the paramedics raced in with Cloud.   
"Make way! New patient!" They shoved Sephiroth off of his bed and laid Cloud on it, who was still singing. The doctor saw that Cloud had a green plant clutched in his hand and some was hanging from his mouth. The doctor shrugged.   
"Eh, may as well give it a try." He snatched it from Cloud and got the paramedics to throw Aeris on her bed. He shoved some of the plant in her mouth. She started to sing, grinning. Sephiroth had started to scream.   
"Cloud! AHHHH!!!! IT'S CLOUD!!!!!! AAAAHHHH!!! SAVE MEEEE!!!!" The doctor shrugged again and shoved the rest of the plant into Sephiroth's mouth.   
"Waltz with me Cloud! Waltz with me!" Cloud got up and they started to waltz around the room.   
"It's a miracle!" the nurse cried, watching the pair waltzing.   
"It's the miracle drug!" 

------------------------------------- 

It was another peaceful day at Balamb Garden. The birds were singing, the bees were buzzing and flowers bloomed...... perfect..... The perfection was shattered by another scream.   
"Squall! I'm gonna KILL you!!!!" Seifer was chasing after Squall down the hallways of Balamb Garden, knocking over people and breaking things.   
I guess you're wondering what led up to this strange event........ Well, I'll tell you.....   
Everyone had woken up from their drugging, all in the infirmary. Squall rubbed his pounding head and sat up. Zell was awake and shoving hot dogs into his mouth at an alarming speed. Dr. Kadowaki ran towards him.   
"No! Zell! Those are the strange hot dogs! Don't eat anymore! Stop! NOOOOO!!!!!" Zell continued to shove his face with the drugged hot dogs. He finally fell over, in a deep sleep.   
"Nurse, get the stomach pump!"   
Rather than watched Zell get his stomach pumped, Squall got up and wandered around Balamb, trying to find Mr. Cuddletons. He finally ran into Rinoa.   
"What's wrong, Squall?"   
"Um... Rinoa.... you wouldn't happen to know where... well, if I was looking for something... stuffed..."   
"Yes, yes, I know. You're stuffed rabbit. Now, Squall." She said the next thing haltingly, putting accent into each word. "Did you check the washing machine?" Squall's eyes widened.   
"MR. CUDDLETONS!!!" he screamed, heading off to the laundry room. He flipped open the dryer top and saw...... Mr. Cuddletons! Squall grabbed him and hugged him hard, talking to the stuffed rabbit softly. He remembered that he had put Mr. Cuddletons in the wash because he had gotten dirty. He was going to take him in the shower, but he had been too lazy to wash that night.   
"I think I left my new trench coat in..." Seifer stopped talking to Fujin and Raijin as he stepped into the laundry room. Seeing Squall with the rabbit, he turned red with anger.   
"RAGE!" Fujin screamed.   
"Stupid, Squall, ya know? OW, ya know, Fujin, OW!" he screamed as Fujin kicked him. Seifer tackled Squall.   
"You beat me up for nothing!" Seifer yelled, punching Squall. Squall threw Mr. Cuddletons out the door.   
"Run, Mr. Cuddletons! Save yourself!" Rinoa walked in, holding the rabbit.   
"Squall, I found your- Oh my God." She shoved Seifer off of Squall, who jumped up and ran down the halls. Seifer drew his gunblade and chased after him.   
"Squall! I'm gonna KILL you!!!!" They ran around the main hallway several times before stopping to take a nice cup of iced tea together before continuing. They ran around and finally raced into the elevator. They peacefully shared the elevator as it rose to the third floor. 

-------------------- 

Head master Cid was painting his office, a nice strawberry pink, I might add, when the two teens ran into the room, one with a drawn gunblade and the other with his hands up in apology. Cid shielded the wall he was painting with his body, trying not to touch the still wet paint.   
"Oh, mighty Shiva. Please protect this wall and all who plan to paint this wall- Oof!" He was shoved against the wall, sticking to the semi-wet paint. He pried himself off the wall and touched his back, which was wet with paint. His eyes turned red.   
"Why you little…!" he screamed and jumped on both of them. 

------------------- 

Seifer and Squall leaned on each other going down the elevator. When they got out, they fell to the floor. Fujin and Raijin came up.   
"Fujin.... ow... Raijin... ouch.... make a.... ow.... note...... Don't do anything... ouch.... to head master...... ouchies.... Cid.... sniff...... while he's painting.... ow... his office...."   
"AFFIRMATIVE!" Fujin yelled, saluting Seifer on the ground.   
"Sure, ya know? Of course, ya know? I'll write it right down, ya know? OW!" Fujin had kicked Raijin again. Seifer pushed himself weakly off the ground and waited for Fujin and Raijin to help him up. They supported him and left Squall lying in anguish on the ground. 

------------------- 

Cid was happily listening to his Hamm radio.   
"Doo, doo, doo, dah, doo, doo, doo, doo, dah, doo." He was sitting in his armchair, tapping his hand to the beat. He suddenly realized that he had never liked this song. So he got up to turn the station. The radio shocked him. He glared at it and picked it up and tossed it out the window.   
"Where are you now, you bastard!?!?!?" he screamed after it. 

------------------- 

Seifer, Fujin and Raijin were fishing, Seifer still wincing when he moved. Suddenly, a Hamm radio fell down and landed on his head. It bopped him, then shocked him before bouncing onto Fujin, shocking her as well. Then it bounced onto Raijin, shocking him, before falling into the water.   
"Doo, doo, doo.... ddddoooo... durgle, glub...." They rubbed tingling limbs as they heard above them: "That'll teach you not to sing for me!!!!"   
Seifer sweatdropped and continued fishing. Dr. Kadowaki rushed past them.   
"Where ya going, ya know?" Raijin asked.   
"I'm off to the other continents to discuss the plant. I heard in the news of all this strange stuff going on." She picked up her suitcase and ran off.   
"What other continents?" Seifer asked.   
"DUNNO!" Fujin yelled, turning back to her fishing.   


~End of part one~ 

Maia: Heh, heh... I do like this one... Actually... Morphine's a painkiller... not a sedative. Part two coming soon!! 


	2. Total Insanity

Maia: Okay... here it is! Part 2 of "Miracle medicine"!! Have fun!! 

------------------------- 

Kuja sighed as he realized where he was. He was back in that damn hospital. He had to escape! He had to take revenge on Zidane! He had to get out of the hospital and away from that crazy black mage doctor!   
"Uh.... Kuja? ...... You're blood pressure's higher.... higher......" He jumped back as the medical instrument broke.   
"You need some of that miracle plant!" He moved towards Kuja with a needle. Kuja screamed and knocked it away.   
"No! NOOO!!!" He rushed to the window. "Now to take my revenge on Zidane!!! MWA, HA, HA, HA, HA— AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" he screamed as he fell four stories to the ground.   
"Oh mighty Shiva!" the doctor shouted, running to the window. There was a small crater on the ground..... with an unconscious Kuja in it. "Looks like he fell on his head." He shrugged. "Eh, doesn't really matter. He doesn't use it much anyway. If he did..... he would've taken the stairs." The doctor (let's call him Dr. 666 from now on) went to fetch Kuja for his examination. 

Minutes later........ 

Thud "Ow!" Thud "Ow!" Thud "Ow!"   
You guessed it..... Dr. 666 was dragging Kuja up the stairs.... Kuja's head hitting every step......   
"Just tell me if you think it starts to bleed," Dr. 666 said calmly. Sure enough, a small red trail had started to follow Kuja's head.   
"Help! Someone save me!" Kuja screamed, waving his arms.   
"I do have needles, you know...." Dr. 666 threatened calmly. Kuja stopped moving.   
"I'll be good," he muttered quickly.   
"Good.... Remember.... just tell me if it starts to bleed....."   
"I think it—"   
"What did I just say?"   
"I'm quiet! Jeez!"   
"Good."   
Thud "Ow!" Thud "Ow!" Thud "I want my mommy!!!"   
"That's great," Dr. 666 replied. 

--------------------- 

"Why?! WHY?! WWWHHHYYYY??!?!?!" Zidane yelled at the top of his lungs, pacing the room with a scotch/rum/other form of hard liquor bottle in his hand. Mikoto tried to calm him down, but he just swiped her away. She gave up and sat down, to watch him..... it was actually quite funny.....   
"What to do, what to do???" Zidane asked himself as he paced.   
"Um..... maybe you could kill Steiner?"   
"That's it!!!!!"   
"No, no! Wait! You can protest at the wedding!"   
"Your first idea was better... I'm off to buy assassin supplies!" He grabbed his coat and ran out of the house. Mikoto put her head in her hand.   
"I've created a monster....." 

--------------------   
Zidane casually walked into the local convenience store. He strolled up to the clerk.   
"Uh... I'd like some.... stuff..."   
"What kind of stuff?" the clerk asked, watching the man behind Zidane cautiously.   
"Uh... I'd like a six pack of Budweiser, a case of fine Cuban cigars, today's lotto ticket... uh... someassassinsupplies..... and a couple of those Playboy magazines."   
"I'm sorry sir... we have all the supplies you want except for the.... assasi—" he saw the other man leave. "— Come with me." He led Zidane into the back room and Zidane saw, with some awe, all the destructive weaponry he could imagine. Some little kids were huddled into the corner.   
"What are they doing there?" Zidane asked pointing.   
"Oh, they're my professional assassins."   
"Them? They're kids...."   
"Oh, you'd be surprised at what they can do..... They once killed Garland.... Sadly, he resurrected himself...."   
"Oh, well if their victim doesn't stay dead, they can't be very good assassins, can they?"   
".... Whatever..... Go say hello." Zidane went over and looked at the kids. He realized one of them was Eiko.   
"Eiko! You're an assassin!"   
"Oh, yeah.... been doing it all of my life."   
"You mean the six years of it?"   
"Nah....... you'd be surprised at how old I am........ Zidaney..." She gave him one of those "looks". Zidane backed away in horror.   
"............" He backed away further. "I'll... just be going...... to that... uh..... Assassins R Us down the road....... Bye!" He raced to the giant mall down the street. In reality, this was just one store...... a very, very large assassin and weaponry store...... He walked in and heard the little door thing ring.   
Ding, ding, ding.... Zidane sweatdropped. He saw who was running the store.......... a small kid. Zidane turned red.   
"ARRGGG!!!! WHY ARE ALL THE ASSASSINS IN THIS PLACE CHILDREN????????????" He raced to the clerk (the little five year old kid) and slapped down a thousand gil.   
"Gimme all the assassin supplies I can get with a thousand gil!!!"   
"Just a sec...." The kid ducked below the desk and reappeared a minute later with a couple daggers, a few bottles of poison and a pistol. Zidane grabbed them and muttered, "Keep the change...." A small kid entered.   
Ding, ding, ding....   
"Hello! How may I help you? I'm the manager of Assassins R—"   
"AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!" Zidane shoved him aside and ran out the door.   
"What's with him?"   
"I dunno...... Strange....." The kid cocked his rifle and left to go and assassinate the King Burmecia. Someone had ordered him out.   
"See ya..." he muttered, saluting the manager. The manager grinned and grabbed a bottle of poison.   
"I've got a job, too...." he whispered and snuck out of the store. 

------------------- 

Zidane was getting ready to go and kill Steiner. He had black clothing and dye. But the dye hadn't really worked... his hair, instead of going black, like it was supposed to, went neon pink with orange stripes. Mikoto walked in, holding up the bottle of dye.   
"Zidane? What's with the—" She stopped, noticing Zidane's hair. "Did you read the instructions?" she asked, dropping the bottle in shock.   
".............. No.............. Don't you say a word............."   
"..... Would you like a hat?"   
"...................................... Yes.............." Zidane's face turned red, so Mikoto brought out a hat and some black face paint. He ran out the door and down the darkened alleyway. 

------------------- 

We can't forget our soon-to-be-wed couple, can we now? Steiner was pacing his room, muttering under his breath. Dagger came in. Steiner blushed when he saw her. Dagger sighed.   
"Steiner, we can't get married if you blush everytime you see me!" she said exasperatedly. Steiner sighed and took off his helmet. As he put it on the table, a ping was heard and the helmet fell to the floor.   
"What the—"   
".................... whatever..........." Dagger muttered. A noise was heard on the other side of the room. They both looked, then turned back. For some reason, there now was a cup of water on the table and a black cloudy thing was spreading through it. Steiner shrugged and picked it up and downed it in a single gulp. They heard giggling from under the bed. Nothing happened to Steiner, though......   
"Damnit! Stupid store bought poison!" they heard from under the bed.   
Zidane looked at the bottle of poison. It read "Squid Ink, perfect for dying hair." Zidane thought, If I used the Ink for the poison, what did I use for my hair..............? He grabbed the bottle of dye from his pocket. It read "Hemlock Poison. Perfect for getting rid of that special enemy." In small print at the bottom of the label it said "Rendered ineffective when used on hair. For all of you stupid people out there, don't worry........ It won't kill you......"   
"So that's why my hair went pink and orange......" Remembering the unique shade of his hair, he pulled the hat lower down on his head. Dagger's face appeared in front of his.   
"Zidane? What are you doing under my bed?" Zidane's eyes widened and then he closed them, trying to push himself back.   
"What? Who's Zidane? I'm nothing but a harmless dust bunny and I'm DEFIANTLY not trying to kill Steiner for trying to marry you!"   
"Zidane... we all know dust bunnies can't talk... We all also know that the dust bunnies went extinct in the great vacuum war of '32...... so get out from under the bed......" Zidane opened his eyes and scowled at her.   
"........ I'm a dust bunny....." he muttered rebelliously.   
"Zidane.... can you hear me? Dust bunnies don't talk!" Zidane thought for a moment, then did some sign language.   
"............. Zidane, dust bunnies don't know how to sign, either........" Zidane glared at her and mumbled something.   
"Zidane, dear, speak louder...." she said sweetly, almost too sweetly.   
"Fine!" he yelled. "I'm not a freaking dust bunny!!!!!!!!" He started to cry loudly. Dagger sighed and dragged him out from under the bed. He sat on the ground, rubbing his eyes and howling.   
"I'm.... I'm a h-horrible a-assassin!" he cried.   
"What do you mean 'assassin'?"   
"I was trying to kill Steiner for trying to marry you!!" he howled. Dagger sighed again, along with Steiner.   
"We were just joking.....!" Dagger told at him. Zidane stopped crying.   
"A... a j-joke? Wh... why.... jah.. ah, eh...." He started to jerk around and fell over, convulsing on the floor.   
"Oh mighty Shiva!"   
"What's wrong?" Steiner asked as Zidane shook on the floor, then went still, not really breathing.   
"He's having a stroke! Call 1800-saveyergil-911! Oh what hell, just call 911, forget the charges!!!!" Zidane opened one eye.   
"So you care about me?" he asked hopefully.   
"Why you little—!" Dagger started to strangle him. He passed out again. "Call 911!!!!" 

--------------------- 

Zidane heard things before he opened his eyes.   
"Nurse, let's cut him open and see what he was eating today!" someone said from above him. Zidane opened his eyes and saw a black mage in a doctor coat with a scalpel making stabbing motions at his stomach. Zidane screamed and the nurse grabbed the doctor by the arm.   
"Uh.... Dr. 666 (Yes.... he's back, everyone.....) I don't think that's necessary...."   
"Aw, nuts........ But I really wanted to!" Dr. 666 left and Zidane heard from the next room, "Time for your miracle plant!" "..... Whee!" "There you go, Kuja......"   
"Kuja!?!?!!?" Zidane squeaked, his eyes widened and his head started to swing back and forth, looking for the nearest exit. "Kuja's here?!?!?!" He saw....... an open window....... He jumped out of the bed.   
"So long, losers!!!!!! You'll never take me alive!!!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA— AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He fell the four stories to the ground. The doctor sighed and headed for the stairs. 

Author's Note: Guess you're getting tired of this gag, aren't ya? ....... yeah, well..... it's funny........ And besides.... it's not my fault..... they're the ones jumping outta windows and such.............   
Maia's Note: Yeah, but you make them............ Don't' pretend like you don't know!!! I saw you threatening Zidane with a stick!!!! You made them!!!! But now you're gonna have to pay for their hospital bills because I sure ain't!!!! *giggles crazily* ............. Well, it is your fault!!!! 

Minutes later........ 

Bump "Ow!" Bump "Yeouch!" Bump "Owies!" Bump "My freakin' head! Damn you—" Bump "OW!!!" Dagger jumped down and saved Zidane.   
"Zidane! Are you alright!?!?!"   
"You really care about me, Dagger?" he asked hopefully.   
"Why you little—!" She started to strangle him again. Zidane, once again, passed out. 

----------------------------------- 

Cloud was sitting in a white padded room, eating tapioca pudding happily, while humming.   
"Doo, doo, doo, dah, doo, doo, doo, doo, dah, doo......" Sephiroth looked in on him, shaking his head and tutting.   
"Jeez.... he makes a mockery of everything that is FF7 ....." Cloud looked up from his pudding.   
"Hey! I need a break! You should try it, MISTER Sephiroth! It's relaxing!"   
"You're wearing a strait jacket, for goodness sakes!" Sephiroth yelled, then glared at Cloud. "Mockery........." Sephiroth started to wander the psychiatric ward, having nothing else to do...... Well, he could have gone back to his room and played endless Knock knock jokes with Aeris........ he shuddered at the thought......... In the room next to Cloud was Locke Cole, expert "Treasure Hunter". Locke was rocking back and forth in his rocking chair.   
"That's treasure hunter! ...... Treasure hunter!!!..... not thief!!! Don't say it or I rip your lungs out!!!! ...... treasure hunter......." he muttered to himself, psychotically. He leapt at the small window, growling at Sephiroth, who screamed and ran away.   
".... Treasure.... hunter...... t-treasure... hunter......... I'm gonna rip your lungs out!!!!!! ...... treasure...... hunter......." Cloud listened from the next room.   
"What a weirdo......." He sweatdropped and returned to his tapioca pudding. A black mage came by. Cloud jumped up and ran to the door.   
"Can I come out now? I've had a good vacation!" Dr. 666 (who was visiting, just for a laugh...) passed by and opened the door.   
"Come out? Of course not! You're a mental patient! Now be a good little boy and eat your tapioca pudding! ....... Don't you dare give me that look or I'll have to give you some miracle plant......." Cloud glared, threw off his strait jacket and took out his iron pole. He did Omnipole and whapped Dr. 666 over the head twenty, count 'em, twenty times! That knocked the good doctor out (Hooray!!). Cloud then realized that Dr. 666 had locked the door behind him. So Cloud took out his Ultima Weapon and Omnislashed the door. It fell to pieces. Cloud ran out. He then came back, poked Dr. 666 with his pole and then ran out again, giggling. 

Author's Note: Don't blame Cloud for his actions...... I'm sure most of us would do the same thing to the good doctor if given the chance........ 

----------------------------- 

Now, then, we can't forget our lovely little dragoon knight, Freya Crescent. She was sitting on a cliff, watching the moon with Fratly. Sir Fratly put an arm around her.   
"Ahh... you are so beautiful......"   
"Oh, Fratly, I am so happy," Freya muttered joyfully, enjoying having him with her again.   
"Yes...... Now..... who again are you......?" Freya's eyes closed halfway in exasperation........... He still didn't remember who she was......... Freya stood and pushed Fratly off the cliff.   
"NOOOOO!!!!!!! HELP ME UNKNOWN STRANGER!!!!!!!!" he screamed as he fell. Freya gave a "Hmph" and turned away to walk back to help with the repairs of Burmecia. Fratly jumped up beside her (remember now, he's a dragoon knight, too). His face was dusty and one of his shirt sleeves was ripped.   
"So.... what are we doing?"   
"OK, you dimwit...... My name is Freya Crescent!!! I used to be the love of your life!!!!!! You idiot!!! And I am going to help my friends rebuild Burmecia!!!!!" He looked at her with confusion.   
"You are not Freya...... Freya had different hair.... And she was thinner than you....."   
"WHAT!!?!?!?! ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I AM FAT!!!!! I AM GOING TO HURT YOU IN SO MANY WAYS!!!!!!!!" She looked at her digital watch.   
"But right now I have other things to do...... Do not bug me........" As she left, she muttered, "Dumbass......" Fratly watched her leave.   
"No... I meant that you were more muscular than she was........" he whimpered unhappily. 

--------------------- 

Amarant had rented a bulldozer to help with the rebuilding of Burmecia. And of course, he couldn't wait to test it out..... He sat in it and yanked the levers, the untouched manual beside him.   
"Now...... How do I operate this.....?" he asked himself, pushing the big green button that said, very plainly, GO.   
"Hmm...... I wonder what this does?" He jabbed it a few times. The bulldozer started to rumble beneath him.   
"COOL!!!" he shouted. The bulldozer very slowly started to move forward... It was aimed right at the currently-being-rebuilt Townhall.   
"Uh, oh...... How do you steer!!!!?!?!?!?!?!" he screamed and yanked levers. The bulldozer gave a jerk and moved faster.   
"Crap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He pushed buttons and yanked the levers. I guess he didn't notice the one right beside his hand that clearly said BRAKE. He finally saw the words beside it.   
"Ah, ha! Score!" He pulled it...... it broke.   
"Oh...... no.........." He leaped out just as the bulldozer rammed into the Townhall. The place collapsed and the Burmecians ducked and ran for cover. Just then, Freya ran in.   
"Amarant! You stupid idiot!!!! That place took us a month to get where we WERE now!!!! Stupid!!!!" Amarant rubbed his head and stood, leaning against a wall.   
"Oh, sure! Blame the guy with the bulldozer last!!!!!" He crossed his arms and stared at the sky. The wall he was leaning on collapsed behind him and he fell over.   
"Ow!! I think I bruised my skull!!!!" He sat back up and noticed that all the Burmecians were surrounding him with murderous looks on their faces.   
"What?" he asked. They all jumped on him and started to throttle him. "Help! AHHH!!! For the love of Shiva, HELP!!!!!" 

---------------------------------- 

It was the afternoon of a perfect day at Balamb Garden. Bees buzzed, birds sang, flowers bloomed...... perfect....... The perfection was shattered as someone moaned..... really, really loudly........   
"Owwwwwww.............." Seifer moaned, staggering into his room. Squall had just finished bandaging himself up, so he came to watch Seifer. So did Zell, who was recovering from his stomach pumping.   
"S'up, Seifer?" Zell asked.   
"Owwwwwww.............." He looked at them. "Aren't you gonna feel pity for me?" He collapsed on his bed.   
"Oh, sure, Seifer," Squall said and patted him on the back. "There, there...... there, there....."   
"Don't touch me! Everything hurts! A lot!" He punched Squall on the arm. Squall grinned.   
"You must really be in pain. I didn't even feel that one.... Sooooo.... what would you do if I did this?" He slapped Seifer over the head.   
"Not much.... Owwwww......"   
"What about this?" Zell asked and took Seifer's gunblade and whapped it on the end of the bed.   
"I would kill you, but I can't...... It hurt's too much......"   
"What about this?" Squall asked, giving Seifer a wedgie. Seifer jumped up.   
"Now I WILL have to kill you!!!" He fell back on the bed. ".... Never mind........ I want one of the girls here.... they know how to pity a person..... Rinoa!!?!?! Selphie!?!?! Quistis?!?!?! Librarian girl with funny pigtails that Zell's in love with!?!?!?"   
"Hey!!!! Quiet down!!!" Zell yelled, doing that funny thing that Ross (you know.... from Friends) does. 

Maia's Note: *raises eyebrows* Huh?   
Author's Note: Neah, be quiet! You don't even watch Friends... at least not that much!!!!   
Maia's Note: ....... whatever...... considering that you tried to explain it to me without even showing me..... yyyyeeeeessssss.......... 

"What's wrong, Seifer?" The librarian girl with the funny pigtails that Zell loved poked her head into the room.   
"I'm in so much pain..... Please pity and comfort me and lavish attention on me........" She gasped and put her hands on her cheeks.   
"Oh! You poor thing! Here..... what happened???" she asked, sitting on the bed by Seifer and placing an arm around him. "Did Headmaster Cid beat you up again??"   
"Yes.... but that was after I pushed him into the wall he was painting and before he threw a very shocky radio on me, Fujin and Raijin....." As if to prove a point, Fujin and Raijin staggered in, leaning on each other.   
"PAIN!"   
"It hurts, ya know. Dammit, ya know. OW! Fujin, ow, ya know!" Raijin was again repeatedly kicked by Fujin.... She hated it when he said "ya know...." He eventually fell on the ground unconscious due to too much exposure to high voltage.   
"Oh.... you poor things......" the librarian girl with funny pigtails that Zell loved said pityingly, patting Seifer gently on the back with a saddened look on her face. Rinoa entered.   
"Seifer!? What happened?!?!?"   
"Headmaster beat me up........." he muttered.   
"Oh! You poor unfortunate soul!" She sat on the other side of him and the two girls wrapped their arms gently around him. Seifer smiled evilly and stuck his tongue out at Zell and Squall, who had gone red with anger.   
"Hey! Rinoa! I got beaten up by the headmaster, too!" Squall yelled, showing her his Band-Aids.   
"Oh, go blow smoke somewhere else, Squall! Cid kicks the crap outta you on a daily basis!" she shouted back.   
"Hey.... I just got my stomach pumped....." Zell told the librarian girl with the funny pigtails. She glared at him.   
"Oh, Zell..... you always get your stomach pumped...... You eat too many hotdogs..... Seifer just had a shocking radio thrown on him!"   
"You did?!?! Awwwww..." Rinoa cried and stroked Seifer's forehead. He smiled weakly. When the two girls weren't looking, he gave Squall and Zell another smug, evil look. Squall and Zell sighed and shuffled out of the room. When they were out of hearing range, Squall threw up his hands in exasperation.   
"Well, guess he won that round!"   
"Tell me about it...." 

-------------------------------------- 

Zidane eyes were closed. He heard things... many things...... And something was scratching slightly at his stomach. He opened his eyes. That damn Dr. 666 was slowly tracing the lines he had drawn on Zidane's stomach, a wishful look on his face. Zidane cried out and pushed the doctor away. He stood and ran for the window..... but it was bolted closed.   
"You can't escape now! Mwahahahahahaha!!!!!" the doctor laughed crazily. Zidane screamed and pulled out his Ultima Weapon.   
"Don't come any closer or I'll chop your head off!!!!" The doctor smiled ironically and held up Zidane's REAL Ultima Weapon...... Zidane realized that the one he was holding was painted Styrofoam. He threw it at the doctor and glared. Dr. 666 placed Zidane's weapon in the closet. So Zidane ran at him and knocked him over, strangling him.   
"I'll teach you to try and cut me open!! And here's something else! I didn't eat anything yesterday!!!!!! I drank booze!! All day long!!!!!!!" Zidane stopped strangling the doctor and ran down the stairs and out the hospital in terror. Dr. 666 stood up and brushed himself off.   
"That child needs some of my special self help classes...... Oh well....." He looked at his watch. Hearing ranting from the next room, he sighed.   
"Time for Kuja's miracle plant!" He went in the room and stuffed the plant in Kuja's mouth.   
".... Whee!" Kuja settled down and turned to the lit floor lamp beside him. "So, Beatrix? Are you free tonight? .......... Are you made of electricity, 'cause you really turn me on!!!"   
"Um...... Kuja..... that's not Beatrix.... that's a lamp....." Dr. 666 turned the lamp off. Click. Kuja cried out the second it went dim.   
"No! What happened!!!!?!?!?! She died!?!?! Or.... or maybe she snubbed me!!!!!! NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! It hurts me inside!!!!!!!" He started to sob fitfully. 

------------------------------------ 

The three medics/scientists of the three different continents had gathered to discus the plant. They had also brought their best warriors. Professor Hojo had brought Tifa, because the last they had heard of Cloud, he was up in a Chinese monastery, resting. He had had an "ordeal". When Hojo had asked Tifa about it, she had whispered something in his ear.   
"Cloud was 'visited' by the Herbal Essences guys again today.... he's resting....." Hojo shook his head sympathetically.   
"That poor unfortunate soul....."   
Dr. Kadowaki had brought Squall.... and Seifer.... Seifer had threatened to destroy Balamb Garden if he wasn't brought along.   
And the medical/science person that had come from the FF9 world..... you guessed it..... the black mage Dr. 666!!! .... and his Terrain nurse. Having no idea where Zidane was (the last they had heard, he had been running across the desert in terror.... he had also hot-wired a boat and was sailing crazily around the world.......), they had brought Freya... and Fratly had followed Freya. He kept poking her.   
Poke. "Stoppit." Poke "Stoppit." Poke "Stoppit or I will kill you!" "OK." ..................... Poke "Stoppit." Poke........ WHAM! Freya smucked (laugh... it's a funny word....) Fratly upside the head with her spear. He dropped like a fly. She turned back to the meeting. She felt something poke her in the foot. She looked down and saw that Fratly was still poking her, but he wasn't even conscious. She glared.   
"Don't poke me anymore or I shall send you to the land of Dr. 666...." The doctor saw that Fratly was on the floor. So he took the opportunity and took out his scalpel.   
"Nurse! Let's open him up and see what he ate today!!!!" The nurse grabbed his hand.   
"Doctor.... I don't think that's necessary....."   
"But that's not fair! You've already deprived me of one scalpeling!"   
"It doesn't matter, Doctor....."   
"Please!!!!!!!"   
"No..."   
"Fine!" Dr. 666 sat down on his chair in a huff.   
"Ahem....." Hojo interrupted with a cough. "Let's get back to business..... Now the plant.... it seems that—" Something crashed through the wall. 

Author's Note: Ha! Thought you were in for a long and boring conversation, didn't you? Well.... not while I'm around!   
Maia's Note: Hurry up!!!! Get back to the story!!! I like this part!!!!! 

"No! Don't eat the plant!!!!!!" a voice called out. In the clearing dust, they saw a large animal with a fiery mane. It was Ifrit.   
"Have you already eaten the plant?"   
"Yes... why?" Dr. Kadowaki asked. Ifrit looked at the dragon he had been riding on.   
"Bahamut! I told you we shouldn't have taken that left!!!! And also that bathroom break!??? Jeez! It made us a week late!!!!" Bahamut looked indignant.   
"Well, you try flying through the fog!! And drinking five pots of coffee.... and all because SOMEONE had to fly at night!!!!!!! And all on a favor!!!!!"   
"Yeah, right......... He waited until we were half way here to tell me that he needed help moving......"   
"I do!!!!!!!!!"   
"Yeah! Down the street!!!!! Closer to that snack place!!!!! You're getting fat!!!!!!!!!"   
"No I'm not!!!!! It's not fat, it's glandular........ and I've been working out lately!!!!!!!!!" Ifrit sighed and walked over to Bahamut. He flicked the dragon's stomach..... it jiggled for many long seconds.......... Bahamut sweatdropped.   
"Yeah.... so........ It keeps me warm when I'm flying at high altitudes........"   
"Yeah?!?! What's your point?!?!" Dr. 666 yelled. Ifrit and Bahamut stopped bickering and looked at the people/half-humans/mages. Ifrit smiled at them.   
"The plant you've discovered is called morphine! It was imported from the Escaflowne world!!!!!" 

Author's Note: We will be putting up fics from Escaflowne on Drugs later.... that will makes things a little less confusing...... 

"Ahywho....... You must use it wisely..... it's very dangerous........." Bahamut sniffed.   
"Obviously..... it's a drug........ they're not that dumb........." Ifrit flexed his muscles.   
"Yeah, well, they better listen to me!!! I'm the almighty Ifrit!!!!!" His muscle fell over and hung underneath........... Ifrit sweatdropped. "........... Never mind..............."   
"Yeah... well I could crush you in a second..... don't brag..........."   
"Anyway....... use it wisely...... Use the force— I mean morphine, Luke— I mean FF people........" Bahamut slapped him over the head.   
"Shut up! You're confusing them! I told you not to watch those Star Wars movies!!!!!! ......... for the millionth time......... No seriously... I've been counting........ It's been about a million and six counting the one you caught this morning.... again........"   
"Oh, well........ You watch them too......."   
"At least I don't walk around reciting parts from them!!!!"   
".......... whatever........... Good bye Anakin— I mean FF people... OW!" Bahamut smucked him over the head and they flew away.......   
"..................... Well, you don't see that every day!!" Freya said, throwing her hands in the air. They discussed the use of the plant and decided that the three continents would unite to help each other. They left the meeting with their many different ways of transportation...... Hojo and Tifa in the Highwind, Dr. Kadowaki, Squall and Seifer in the Ragnarok and Dr. 666, Freya and the still unconscious Fratly in the Hilda Garde 3........... They ended up crashing it........... so then they hot-wired the Red Rose and flew the rest of the way home. Beatrix discovered that her airship was gone and she said one thing......   
"Dude, where's my airship?" She and her Alexandrian Soldiers set off to find the airship, which contained Beatrix's anniversary gift for Steiner, a suitcase of stolen money that was owned by a transsexual stripper and a strange rubix cube that turned into a continuum transfunctioner........ 

Maia's note: Ignore her. She's been watching 'Dude, where's my car?' too much.   
Lee: I only watched it twice!   
Maia: Yeah, well, that's once too many! You're turning into Ifrit! 

------------------------------- 

Zidane was sailing home in the boat he had hot-wired. He had no idea where he was, so he just sailed to the east.   
"Doo, doo, doo, dah, doo, doo, doo, dah, doo......... Sailing, sailing, out on the open water!!! La, la, la, la, la, la, laaaa!!!!!" he sang. He had been sailing for days and had found no land, so he just sat back and let it float....... He was watching the horizon when he spotted land.   
"Land!!! Whoo, hoo!!!!" He sat back again. "Now it's time to let the current take me back home...." He watched the land for a second before he floated far away and in a completely different direction. He stood and looked longingly out to sea.   
"D'oh......." He started to sob.... Suddenly the boat crashed into something and flung Zidane out into the ocean. He spat out water.   
"What the hell was that?!?!?!?!?" he screamed. A barracuda bit at his tail and he kicked it off. He gave up and held onto a piece of wood.   
"To Dagger!!!!!!!" ...... then he passed out, the barracuda still attached to his tail....... 

------------------------------ 

Zidane woke up and kicked the barracuda weakly.   
"Go 'way..... You only go after shiny things......" The barracuda considered this for a moment, then leaped for Zidane's dagger.   
"Stoppit!!!! Go 'way!!!!!" He plucked it off his dagger and flung it back out to sea. He shook his fist at it. "Stupid fish!!!!!!" He heard the barracuda swear at him, so he sniffed and turned away.   
"Now........ where'm I???" He looked at his surroundings. A guy, another guy and girl with an eyepatch sat there, staring at him with their fishing rods in their hands. The first guy with a white trench coat took out a strange blade.   
"Guys.... should we throw it back in????"   
"FISH!!!!" the girl yelled.   
"No, it's a person, ya know? But he's got a tail, ya know? We should keep him, ya know? Big bucks for a fish/monkey, ya know?" Zidane jumped up.   
"I'm not a monkey fish!!!! I'm a Terrain!!! I'm an Angel of Death!!! Huahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!" The guy in the trench coat stood and menaced Zidane with his blade.   
"Sit down, little boy...... My name's Seifer Almasy. This's Fujin and Raijin."   
"I'm not a little boy!!!! I'm sixteen!!!! And yes, Mr. Voice in Head, I know that Kuja's the true Angel of Death!!!! Shut up!!!!!" Seifer grinned.   
"You're sixteen??? I'm only eighteen and I'm about two feet higher than you. You're a midget...... Heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!!" Seifer put his gunblade away, picked up a stick and proceeded to chase Zidane with it, poking the short monkey boy whenever he got in range.   
"Stoppit!!! Stop pummeling me!!! It really, really hurts!!!!!!! OUCH!!!!!!"   
"Heeheeheeheeheehee!!! Come'ere, monkey boy!!!! Heeheeheeheehee!!! Poke, poke!!!!! Heeheeeheeehehehehehehe!!!!!!" Rinoa ran out.   
"Seifer!!! What are you doing??? Awww..... poor little boy!!!!!" She picked Zidane up and gave him an affectionate hug. "Aww..... you're so kay-ute!!! I'm gonna take you back to my..... *cough*Squall's*cough* dorm!!!!" She left with Zidane. Zidane sniffed.   
"That mean man was poking me with a stick and chasing me......" He stuck his tongue out at Seifer and was carried away by Rinoa. Seifer sighed.   
"Rinoa..... I'm gonna feed you to Adel again..... I don't like you......." Fujin and Raijin looked at each other, then at Seifer, then at each other again. Then they took out their fishing rods and walloped Seifer over the head until he passed out.   
"............ down I go........" Seifer muttered as he slumped to the floor. Raijin slung him over his shoulder.   
"It's for your own good, ya know? Don't want ya goin' crazy on us again, ya know?" Fujin sighed.   
"AGAIN...... THIS SUCKS!!!" They hurried back to their..... *cough* Squall's *cough* dorm. 

------------------------------------------------ 

One night, Aeris woke up. She started to laugh crazily.   
"NOW I KNOW WHO I AM!!!!! I'M................." Sephiroth stared at her. He looked pretty scared. Aeris sighed. ".............. never mind................ I guess I don't remember....... Hey, hey!!! Since you're awake, do you wanna hear a knock knock joke??????? A new one!!!!" Sephiroth yelped and dived under his covers. He started to snore fakely.   
"What? Awake??? I'm no such thing!!!!!"   
Aeris sighed. "If you were awake, you wouldn't be talking to me......." Sephiroth ignored her and kept snoring. Aeris grinned and jumped up. She tip-toed over to his bed and yanked back the covers......... only to find that he was actually sleeping. She sighed and went back to her bed. As she settled down, Sephiroth opened one eye.   
"I knew I was right to indulge in those fake sleeping classes!!! And Cloud said I was crazy!!!! Heeheeheeheeheeheehee!!!!!" Aeris looked at him.   
"Did you say something?" Sephiroth closed his eye again and resumed his fake sleeping. Aeris sighed.   
"............ whatever.........." She fell back asleep. Sephiroth jumped out of bed and raced down the stairs. He'd had enough of this crazy hospital. He was outta there.   
"Now to take my revenge on Cloud..... Nothing can go wrong with the idea I have planned..... Everything is gonna be perfect, starting....... now!" Just as he said "now!" he ran into a lamp post.   
"Ow, dammit!!!!" He rubbed his head and continued on, biting his tongue and then tripping over a tree root. 

--------------------------------------- 

Freya was lifting a stone when a Burmecian raced to her, holding up the Alexandrian Chronicles.   
"Miss Crescent!!!! Miss Crescent!!!! The plant's called morphine!!!!!"   
"Huh? What— oh.... it's you, Jed..... You don't have to get so excited everytime we get a paper and the front page has...... anything...... on it!!! It's not that exciting......." She studied the front cover for a moment before using Firaga and flaming it to a crisp. 

---------------------- 

Beatrix was sitting in a bar, sipping a tequila...... Her soldiers surrounded her, sipping apple martinis. One of them passed out.... she'd had too many..... Anyway, Beatrix had had some leads on the location of the Red Rose. But still she hadn't found it......   
"Beatrix? General Beatrix???" Beatrix turned to see the most drop-dead gorgeous guy standing right there!!!   
"W- who are you?????" she stuttered.   
"Beatrix, darling.... Don't you remember last night? That male erotic dance I did with you???"   
"Whu.... wha......???" The guy looked at someone else, then hit his head.   
"Aww, man.... Sorry, girl..... wrong girl...... Hey!!! Beatrix!! Wait up!!!!" Beatrix watched him, then stood up.   
"No wait!!! I'm Beatrix, too!!!!" The Alexandrian soldiers grabbed her by the arms and dragged her out of the bar. 

-------------------------------- 

It was a beautiful day in the Balamb Garden. Bees buzzed, birds sang, flowers bloomed...... perfect....... And today... it really was perfect.....   
All the students of Balamb Garden (well actually, just our heroes (OH, NO!!! RUN!!! THE WITCH IS GOING TO COMPRESS TIME!!!!!), the posse and Zidane) were going fishing at a river near Balamb Garden. After much pestering, they dragged Quistis along too..... (she's a teacher... well actually, after she pestered Cid, he gave her old job back.....) Anyway..... they were fishing except for Selphie, who was trying to get the fish (trout, to be exact) to join the Garden Festival Committee...... Squall looked at her and blinked.   
"Selphie... they can't understand you........"   
Zidane looked at the fish thoughtfully. "Actually, a barracuda once swore at me......"   
"Shut up....." Squall muttered. Selphie glared at them and then turned back to the fish and started to speak French to them. Squall sighed.   
"Selphie.... they don't know French.... Wait a minute!!! I don't know French either!!! Where'd you learn French???" Selphie stared at him.   
".............. Squall.... were you ever awake in any of our classes?????" Squall looked thoughtful.   
"........... yes........"   
"Lemme guess..... the fighting skills, right????"   
"...... maybe........." Selphie sighed and got up to go and try to get the birds to join the Garden Festival Committee. Zidane stared at the water longingly. Rinoa patted him on the arm.   
"It's OK. We'll get you home, if it's the last thing I do.... We'll never give up!!!! This will be our final stand!!!!!" Rinoa struck up a battle pose. Squall sighed.   
"Rinoa...... we're not fighting Ultimecia anymore..... we're just getting a kid with a tail back home...." Rinoa glared at him.   
"Yeah... well.... Remember Ultimecia???" Squall thought.... 

---------------------   
A few months ago/Hundreds of years in the future.....   
--------------------- 

"SeeD, SeeD, SeeD, SeeD....." Ultimecia was rocking back and forth in her chair, muttering SeeD psychotically. She watched as Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Irvine, Quistis and Selphie ran into the room.   
"SeeD.... Have you kome to help me return home??????" She looked forlorn.   
"We're here to destroy you, Ultimecia!!!!" Squall shouted heroically.   
"But I need to go home!!!" the witch protested.   
"Oh, but I need to go home!!!" Squall mocked in a high voice. "Bring it on!!!!!"   
"Oh, fine.... but this isn't the reskue krew I expekted.... *sniff*.... My puppy dog will be hungry......" She stroked the picture of the small, fluffy brown puppy that was sitting on the arm of her chair.   
And then Squall, Irvine and Zell beat the crap out of her because they had 100 Ultima spells juctioned to their strength and a lot of all the other stats...... 

-----------------------   
Back in the real time.....   
----------------------- 

.......... Squall looked at Rinoa.   
"She was evil!!!!" Squall yelled.   
"But she wanted to go home!!!" Rinoa shouted back.   
"It doesn't matter! She was evil!!!"   
"The witch wanted to go feed her puppy!!!"   
"Evil!"   
"Home!"   
"Evil!"   
"Home!"   
"Evil!"   
"Home!"   
"Shut up!!!!" Seifer yelled, hitting them both over the back of the head. Seifer glared. "That's enough outta both of you!!!! Stoppit or I'll really open up a can of whoop ass!!!!!" Squall and Rinoa went back to their fishing. Fujin came up to them with a whole line of fish.   
"Hey, Fujin, where ya been, ya know? We missed ya, ya know?" Raijin asked as Fujin took a deep breath. They winced as she opened her mouth.   
"I was up river getting— What?" Seifer unplugged his ears.   
"Oh.... we thought you were going to yell......" Raijin jumped up and took Fujin by the shoulders and started to shake her.   
"Who are you and what have you done with Fujin, ya know???? I mean, ya know????!!! Ya know!!!! Ya— ya, ya, ya— Ya know?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Fujin kicked him in the shin.   
"Shut up, Raijin!!!!" she screamed as he let her go and sat back down.   
"Never mind, ya know? It's Fujin, alright, ya know?" he muttered, throwing his line back in. He felt a tug on the line.   
"Hey!!! It's a fish, ya know!?!?!?! Help, ya know??!?!?!?" All the people grabbed Raijin and helped him pull. And out shot........ a spiky-haired guy.... with an iron pole.......   
"What the hell???" Seifer muttered. He poked the guy with a stick. The guy woke up and hissed at Seifer, who jumped back with a screech. The guy took out his pole and jumped to shore.   
"All shall be Omnipoled!!!!!! Huahhahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!" He Omnipoled Selphie and she fell half into the river.   
Squall blinked. "YES!!!!!! No more Selphie!!!!! We're free!!!!!!"   
Quistis stared at Selphie. "Is she gonna be OK?"   
Squall leaped around. "Who cares!!!?!?!?! She's out for a minute, at least!!!!! Let's all party!!!! Now, who wants to go and burn the Garden Festival Committee???!?!?!?! Who are you unknown stranger??!?!?! I owe you one!!!!!"   
"Oh.... my name's Cloud Strife....... Who're you??"   
"No time for that!!!! Burn, burn, burn!!!!!!! Run, run, or you'll all be well done!!!!! Ahhahahahahahaha!!!!" Squall ran off in the direction of Balamb, wielding a torch. Cloud blinked and turned back to the others, shrugged and followed. They picked up Selphie and dragged her back to Balamb.   


------------------------------------ 

Maia: So.... The end of Part Two.... It'll probably be awhile before we get Part Three up.... Oh well! Ciao!!   
(Hey, don't ask me why Lee has to have that long "Perfect Day" thing at the start of all the FF8 parts. It's one of her... "obsessions")   



	3. The FINAL part

  
Maia: Okay, anyway, here it is!!! The FINAL installment of "Miracle Medicine"!!! It may be shorter than all the rest, but it's   
pretty good!! Have fun!! ^.^   


-------------------------------

Let's go and see what Dagger's doing......   
"Where the hell is Zidane!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! You stupid black mage!!!!! Go find him right now!!!!" she screamed at Dr. 666. The doctor smiled at her and moved towards her with a needle.   
"You're way too overstimulated..... You need some morphine!" Dagger karate chopped the needle away and glared at the black mage.   
"Don't you dare try to morphine me! I will kill you!!!!!!" She paused for a moment and then.... "Tell me where Zidane is!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" As she screamed, Locke strode out, smiling.   
"Hi, y'all. I just took my sane pills and I'm sane for the next eight hours. Oh, no wait...." He looked at his digital watch. "Seven hours, fifty-nine minutes and fourteen seconds. I'll help you find Zidane!"   
"OK! Thank you, Locke the Thief!!!!" Locke glared at her.   
"........ treasure hunter! Say it or I rip your lungs out!!!!!!!" Dagger backed away.   
"Thank you, Locke the Treasure Hunter!!!" His face went calm and happy again.   
"OK!" Dagger looked at him and then at Dr. 666.   
"TELL ME WHERE ZIDANE WENT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"   
"Oh... he's somewhere...." Dagger looked annoyed.   
"................. you don't know where he is..... do you.........." Dr. 666 shrugged   
"Another place........."   
"Take me to him RIGHT NOW!!!!!!" she screamed at Locke, who covered his ears. He opened his eyes and raised his eyebrows. "IF HE'S DEAD, I WILL SOOOO HURT YOU!!!!!!!" she screeched back at Dr. 666.   
"So... you like this Zidane character, eh? Ehhehhehhehheh.... I'll be sure to tell him when we see him...." Dagger smucked him over the head.   
"Shut the hell up!!!!" She dragged him out. "You're still coming with me..... thief boy!!!!" Locke struggled out of her grip.   
"That's treasure hunter!!! YOU DIE NOW!!!!!" Dagger shielded herself with her arms as she ran from Locke, who was throwing various objects at her.   
"Treasure hunter, treasure hunter, treasure hunter!!!! she screamed. 

------------------------ 

Beatrix had found her Red Rose, much to her delight. She hugged the side and kissed the polished wood, crying with happiness.   
"Let's go!" She jumped up to get onto the Airship, but realized she had left her keys in the bar. As she left, two people crept out of the shadows. Dagger and Locke climbed aboard.   
"Don't worry, Dagger. I'm an expert at hot-wiring things!"   
"Just hurry the hell up!!!" Locke successfully hot-wired the Red Rose and they flew away. Beatrix came back a few minutes later.   
"Crap! Dude, where's my Airship!?!?!?" 

---------------------------- 

Zidane was happily sitting in the Ragnarok as Rinoa crazily piloted it.   
"I'm taking you home Zidane! And they said I couldn't fly this thing! Ha! Easy as pie!!!!!!" Zidane put on his seatbelt and grabbed the sides of his seat. His eyes were wide.   
"Rinoa! Look out for that skyscraper!!" Rinoa was laughing crazily and then she looked out the window.   
"Uh, oh! Hey!!! Stupid steering wheel! It's stuck!" It snapped off in her hands. "Dammit!"   
"Auto pilot ON." A little red light started to blink and the Ragnarok swerved out of the way. Rinoa sat back, a smug look on her face.   
"And now we just sit back and watch as we're carried blissfully back to your home........"   
"Do you know where the auto pilot is taking us?"   
"No idea! Hey! Look at this!" She pushed a button and the windshield wipers turned on. "Cool! This thing ROCKS!" Zidane sat back again and clung to his seat. 

------------------------- 

Beatrix and her Alexandrian Soldiers were at the local McDonalds, ordering some food. She sat in her car, looking at the menu in the drive-thru. Her Alexandrian soldiers poked her, eager to get to the food.   
"OK... I'll have ten supersize orders of fries..."   
"And theeeeen?"   
".... Ten cheeseburgers....."   
"And theeeeen?"   
"..... Ten strawberry milkshakes....."   
"And theeeeen?"   
"Um..... I think that's all.... yeah, that's it...."   
"And theeeeen?"   
"Um..... I'm done ordering now...."   
"And theeeeen?" Beatrix looked annoyed.   
".............................. Listen, mage! If you say and then one more time, I'm gonna come in there and put my boot, in your ass!!!!!!!" Silence...... Beatrix turned away, glad that she had won the argument.........   
"And then! And then! And then! And then!" Beatrix screamed in anger and beat at the voice box thing with her fists. Then she jumped out of the car and grabbed the black mage by the collar. She threw him out of the restaurant and chased after him down the street.   
"Help! Save me!!!!!!!!!!!!" the black mage screamed as he ran. 

------------------------- 

Dr. 666 had given up on Kuja and was searching for Zidane. He thought, for some reason, that the most likely place he would be was at the Iifa Tree. So he traveled there quickly and what he saw was a silver haired man in a black trench coat and a long sword.   
"Hey!!!!! Have you seen a small boy with a monkey tail come this way?!?!?!?!" he yelled. The man turned.   
"Of course not...... Who do you think I am? I'm not some search and rescue guy!!!" He glared as Dr. 666 strode forward.   
"Then who are you?"   
"I am the almighty Sephiroth and now I shall kill you and you will be a part of me when I become one with the Lifestream!!!! Then I shall be a GOD!!!!! Mwahahahahaha!!!!" Dr. 666 stared at him.   
"You really don't know where Zidane is?"   
"No............... this is where I kill you either quickly to show you my mercy, or I kill you slowly and painfully to show you my love for..... funny little black things in doctor coats, riiiiiiiight?" Sephiroth took out his Masamune.   
"No it isn't! This is where I come towards you," Dr. 666 went and stood right next to Sephiroth, "reach into my pocket," he reached into his pocket, "grab you by the arm," he took Sephiroth's arm, "throw you to the floor," he threw Sephiroth to the ground, such a large feat for such a small being, "and open you up and see what you were eating today!!!!!!" He leaped on top of Sephiroth and took out his scalpel. Sephiroth screamed and tried to shove the little black mage off, but for some reason, Dr. 666 was latched onto him.   
"Get away from me!!! What have I ever done to you?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" he yelled, trying to pull himself out from underneath Dr. 666, who had started making stabbing motions at Sephiroth's stomach.   
"Stay still, you! Why won't you let me cut you open?!?"   
"Because it's sick, twisted and cruel and I think that enjoying inflicting pain upon others is called sadism and it's a mental disorder!!!!! Somebody save me!!!!!!" Dr. 666 shuffled off. 

Maia's Note: *sniff* Sephiroth must have this particular mental disorder, because he seems to enjoy inflicting pain upon others...... Oh, well..... Hmm..... I'll talk to Dr. 666 later.... if he can resist the urge to cut me open or inject me with morphine for a few moments.... if not, it's mage bashing time.... *smiles evily and draws out a Buster Sword......* Hee, hee.... I stole Cloudy's sword.....   
Cloud: Hey!!!!   
Maia: Uh, oh! *runs off*   
Lee: *sniff* Sephiroth allowed me to take his sword.... *hangs on Sephiroth's arm* I'm happy.......   
Sephiroth: *glares* *in a whisper* Gimme back my Masamune and I'll make you a replica!   
Lee: Done and done!   
Maia: *comes back for a moment* Let's get back to the story!!!!! Don't worry, Cloud! I'll give you Gil! GIL!!!! Enough to buy twenty Buster Swords!!!! *running from rabid Cloud*   
  
"Mental disorder, eh? ................... yeah, well..." Dr. 666 reached back into his pocket to put the scalpel away and took out a needle. He plunged it into Sephiroth's arm and injected the morphine.   
"What the— awww..... not this stuff again....... whee!!!...... Lalalalalalalalalalalala........" He didn't notice as Dr. 666 made good his escape. 

----------------------------- 

It was a beautiful day in the Balamb Garden. Bees buzzed, birds sang, flowers bloomed...... perfect....... but something was dreadfully wrong.....   
Cloud, the heroes (excluding Rinoa), the posse and Quistis (I don't like this woman... she's bugs me with her annoying tutorials that eat up about forty minutes of the game.... I don't consider her a hero....) were sitting in *shifty eyes* .... Seifer's...... *cough*Squall's*cough* dorm, discussing things. Mostly the whereabouts of Rinoa.   
"Where's Rinoa?!?!?" Squall wailed, crying into Zell's shoulder.   
"How the hell should I know!?!?! And get offa me!" Squall turned and placed his head on Irvine's shoulder. Irvine shoved him off.   
"You stay away from me! Selphie, Squall's trying to subject me to his manlove!!"   
"Irvine, stay away from him then!"   
"I know, let's all have a sex-ed tutorial! First you—"   
"WAAHHH!!!! RINOA!!!!"   
"Who's Rinoa?"   
"Shut up, Cloud!!!! The sorceresses shall help us!!! I know, for I am the sorceresses knight!" WHAM! Raijin whacked Seifer over the head again.   
"There ya go, ya know?!"   
"........ down I go......." Fujin and Raijin picked up Seifer and ran off with him. Cloud watched them, then decided that he would go and check out the Garden, seeing as how the argument of Squall's sexuality wasn't going to be absolved anytime soon. As he wandered, people looked at him and pointed.   
"What?" he asked a group of giggling girls who were laughing at him.   
"Oh, you're fly's down!" Cloud turned red and turned around to zip himself back up. Then he wandered again. He found himself at the elevator and rode it up to the third floor. In the room, there was a man and he was eating something in a little bag.   
"Hello. Who are you?"   
"My.... name's.... sniff..... Headmaster...... sniff... Cid....."   
"I'm Cloud... Why do you keep sniffing like that?"   
"Um.... sniff.... cold..... sniff....." He turned back to his small bag.   
"What's in the bag?"   
"Um.... sniff..... something...." Cloud reached over and grabbed the bag and looked inside it.   
"WOAH!!! Pop Rocks!!! I love these things!!!" He downed the whole bag in seconds and started to dance around. "Whoo, hoo! It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited!!!!!" Then he fell over and started to twitch. Cid shook his head and went for the PA.   
Ding, ding, ding. "Squall! This is the Headmaster.... sniff.... Come and pick up.... sniff..... your stoned.... sniff... friend... sniff... Cloud.... sniff..... that is.... sniff... all...." Cid grabbed his bag of "Pop Rocks" (for those of you who might not have guessed it, the bag is full of crack) and shoved them in his desk drawer, along with an "inhaler" (cocaine) and some morphine needles (............ they speak for themselves....).   
Zell ran in and grabbed Cloud.   
"Where's.... sniff..... Squall...?"   
"Why d'you keep sniffing like that?"   
".... sniff... cold..." Zell shrugged.   
"Squall's having a bit of a sexuality crisis at the moment...... Bye!" He ran off. Cid went back to his "Pop Rocks" and "inhaler". 

----------------------------- 

Dagger and Locke were piloting the Red Rose, trying to find Zidane. It had been many hours....   
"Um... Dagger? I didn't bring any extra sane pills...."   
"So... does that matter?"   
"In about fifteen seconds.... Well... Eight hours is almost..." Locke's face turned slightly crazier and he let go of the controls. ".... treasure... hunter!!!! I'm gonna rip out your lungs!!!!!! YOU DIE NOW!!!!!" He leapt at Dagger and wrestled her to the floor. She screamed and kicked him in the nuts and he dropped off, squealing. Dagger jumped up and ran to a cabinet.   
"Must find sane pills.... I'm gonna die if I don't.... hello...." She picked up a needle that had a bit of morphine left in it. She injected Locke and he sat back as Locke went into a land of... uh..... bliss....   
"Lalalalalala, treasure hunter!!.... lalalalalalala....."   
"Good... yes Locke.... you're a treasure hunter...... Hey... what's that?" Suddenly the Ragnarok crashed right into them. 

------------------------- 

Kuja was sitting in his bed, glaring at the Terrain nurse, who was glaring back at him. She gave him an evil look, then turned back to her porn magazine. The second she was down, Kuja crept from the bed and snuck to the door. As he made a break for the door, the nurse held out an arm and clotheslined Kuja. Kuja lay on the floor, clutching at his throat as the nurse (her name's Adel...) looked at him from under the magazine.   
"And where do you think you're going?"   
"I'm leaving...... I wanna go and destroy Zidane..... Annnnd if not, I'll settle for just going home...."   
"Nuh, uh..... You're to stay right here... Dr. 666's orders..." Kuja leaped up.   
"The... AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! THE DOCTOR!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!! I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!!!!!" Kuja started to run around the room, plainly frightened. Adel clotheslined him again and as he lay on the floor for the second time, he glared at her.   
"Shouldn't you be in the FF8 world?"   
"...... I've been demoted, shut up! ....... Something about using Rinoa as a living bra, I think......." She looked thoughtful for a moment, then picked him up and threw him into the bed. She grabbed some ropes and tied him to the bed.   
"You're not going anywhere...."   
"This is torture!!!!! Pure, utter torture!!!!!!!!!" He tried to pull himself off the bed and then Adel left. Kuja sighed and lay back. He got an idea and started to chew at the ropes.   
"I hear chewing!!" Adel cried.   
"No I'm not!"   
"Hey!!! No lying or I'll come up there, beat your ass and take away your thong!!!"   
"No, not my thong skirt!!! Anything but that!!!!"   
"Good......." 

------------------------- 

Kuja was still lying, tied to his bed, when he heard something from downstairs. He watched the door as someone in red clothes with a golden metal claw and long black hair came in. A red scarf was wrapped around his face.   
"Hello. I found this ad in the paper that someone needed rescuing from the hospital in the place where there are no owls.... Am I in the right place?"   
"Yes!!!! I knew that ad would come in handy!!! My name's Kuja!!!! Who're you?"   
"I'm Vincent...... Here, let me untie you....." He slashed through the ropes with his claw/hand thingy and helped Kuja to his feet. Vincent stared at Kuja's strange ensemble.   
"Hey! It expresses my individuality!"   
"Are you a girl or a guy?"   
"Where'd you get that?"   
"Oh, well... those hips and the fact that you have red makeup around your eyes....."   
"I'm a guy... IDIOT!" He whacked Vincent over the head. Vincent rubbed the back of his skull and glared.   
"That was totally uncalled for. Whatever, let's get outta here...." He watched as Kuja ran for the window. "......... not that way.... it hurts... remember??" Kuja blushed and ran for the stairs. Vincent followed and Kuja saw that Adel had been knocked out and her face was sitting right on a ...... naked man.... in her magazine. Kuja giggled and poked Adel once... or twice..... before running out of the hospital. Vincent followed, grabbing the magazine. He gasped as he saw a picture of him. When had he—? Oh... right, that time when he was totally wasted..... Vincent torched the page of him and ran from the hospital.   
  
--------------------- 

Dagger flung herself from the Red Rose as the Ragnarok crashed into it. Then she saw Zidane.   
"ZIDANE!!!!!!" she screamed and ran for him. She grabbed him, whacked him over the head, then kissed him, then punched him in the stomach. Then she kissed him again. "Where were you?!?!?!?! I love you, and now I'm going to kill you! But I love you!!!!"   
"I feel so hurt, but so happy at the same time....." Zidane gasped, clutching his stomach. He fell to his knees and grinned foolishly, but in pain.   
"Let's get married! I'm going to kill you!" She grabbed him and put him in a headlock as she slipped a ring over his finger. Zidane smiled and gagged.   
"Ack... of..... arg.... course... ack!"   
"Oh! I'm sooooo happy!!!!" She hugged him tightly, also almost crushing one of his ribs (accidentally...... maybe.....).   
  
---------------------- 

All the people came to the wedding, even the ones who weren't invited.... ALL the people, including the FF7 and 8 people. The priest stood with Zidane and Dagger at the altar. Then the door burst open and a lone figure stood, panting. Freya summed it up in one word....   
"Kuja!" Kuja giggled maniacally.   
"Huahahahahahahahahaha!!! Zidane, I have come for you!" Vivi grabbed Kuja's sleeve.   
"Shh! It's a wedding!" Kuja looked shocked and sat down.   
"Oh, sorry.... I'll wait... " He watched as his arch nemesis got married. Then he stood back up.   
"Zidane! Now you shall die!!!! Huahahahahahahaha!!!!" Kuja strode forward. Then Adel stood up.   
"Hey! You're the guy who escaped from the hospital in the place where there are no owls! Get him, fellas!" All the heroes of FF7, 8 and 9 jumped up.   
"Eep!" Kuja squeaked and hid behind a pew. "Don't hurt me! I... I'll be good!!!" He sat quietly.   
"That's better!" all the heroes yelled. Zidane dusted off his hands.   
"And that takes care of that!" Dagger grabbed him by the neck and strangled him before tilting him over and kissing him for a long time. Everyone, including Kuja, clapped and wolf-whistled.   


Aftermath.......   
(Maia: Ha! My specialty! The last part with Cloud, Lee wrote) 

Kuja: Was hauled back to the hospital. Escaped again and tried to kill Zidane.   
Zidane: Survived a Psycho style shower stabbing by Kuja. Lives happily with Dagger in a big castle!   
Dagger: Got anger management help. Is now a happy, vivid young woman and lives with Zidane at her castle.   
Zidane: *knocks over lamp* Oh! Sorry, Dagger! I knocked over your favorite lamp!   
Dagger: *starts to strangle Zidane* *Doctor runs in*   
Doctor: No, Dagger! Remember your anger management courses!!!   
Locke: Is on a new rehab program. Is now required to carry extra sane pills with him at all times.   
Fratly: Continued to forget who Freya was.   
Freya: Rebuilt Burmecia with the help of the Burmecians.   
Amarant: Knocked down Burmecia by accident. All of it.   
Freya: AMARANT!!!   
Amarant: *running from Freya and a large mob of Burmecians* Help mee!!!   
Doctor 666: Did many more strange things… such as trying to cut people open… found Kuja's house too… but that's a whole other fic…   
Sephiroth: … Uh, can I get back to you on that?   
Adel: Got demoted some more for letting Kuja escape.   
Vincent: Got really stoned one night and posed for another porn magazine. When he found out, he burned the newsstand. (All the magazines along with it too)   
Fujin: continued to talk normally. We don't actually know why…   
Rajin: Got treatment to try to get rid of his "ya know"   
Quistis: Got sent to the hospital. Gives lectures… uh… kinda…   
Quistis: (to empty chairs) …and so, that is how…   
Selphie: Also got sent to the hospital.   
Selphie: (to coat rack) So, would you like to join the Garden Festival Committee? You would!? Great!!   
Yuffie: Became a major spokesperson for "1-800-save-yer-gil"   
Rinoa: Began flying lessons with the Ragnarok   
Rinoa: (to Squall) I don't NEED lessons!   
Squall: I'll be your teacher! And we get to miss three classes a week!   
Rinoa: ……… Okay, it's a deal!!   
Mikoto: Got very drunk from Zidane's leftover "hard liquor" and joined the kid assassins.   
King of Burmecia: Died mysteriously.   
Team of kid assassins: (in some bushes) Yes! (they high-five each other)   
Tifa: Got sent to jail for … something… not quite sure what… (maybe…….)   
(evil snickering)   
Beatrix: Is trying to get her Red Rose fixed.   
Weird mage dude that says "And theeen…?" all the time: Got a job at the repair shop where Beatrix's Red Rose was being fixed.   
Beatrix: C'mon, I need my Red Rose fixed now!!   
Mage: And theeeeenn…?   
Beatrix: Oh, another coat of paint would be nice.   
Mage: And theeeeenn…?   
Cloud: Got his buster sword back from Maia. He gave her another one and... well.... 

Lee, Maia, Cloud and Sephiroth were all sitting in a room. Sephiroth leaves to go and do some strange task (probably some sort of death and destruction task...). Lee looks confused.   
"Hey? Maia? How'd you get Cloud's sword?"   
"I got rid of Tifa for him...." Maia whispers and smiles at Cloud, who grins and gives her a thumbs up. Over across the street, Tifa's being hauled away by the police.   
"But I'm innocent, I tell you! I- N- N- O- S- E- N- T!!!!" she spells out for them (not very well I might add....). They threw her in the police car and drove away with her. Cloud leans over and starts trying to make out with Maia, who kicks him.   
"Get offa me!!!" she screams and kicks him again. "Well... at least Sephiroth isn't here...." she mutters. Sephiroth comes back. "Aw nuts..." Sephiroth and Lee start making out like crazy next to Maia, who jumps up with disgust.   
"Aw, nasty! Cloud, let's get outta here!" Cloud picks her up and carries Maia over to the door. He kicks it open and lands a big wet one on Maia's lips. She screams and jumps out of his arms and kicks him.   
"What the hell! You idiot! What was that all about?!?!?" Cloud looks sad.   
"Well..... *sniff*..... you're really hot and..." Maia looks pissed.   
"I don't give a crap! Just get me away from those two!!! Hey! You guys!!! Get a room!!!" she screams at Sephiroth and Lee, who are still kissing each other crazily. Cloud grabs Maia's hand and drags her from the room. Cloud tries to kiss her as they leave. Maia grabs a cell phone and calls the closest person who can help....   
"Beatrix!!! Help me!!!"   
"Listen, Maia! I'm having some of my own problems!! No more 'and then', mage!!!!! I need my Red Rose repaired!!!!"   
"Please!!!!!!!!!"   
"Aw, fine! But only because you're cool......"   
"Beatrix!!! Please help me now!!!!!"   
"Just a sec!!!"   
"I don't have a sec!!!!" Maia yells, threatening Cloud with her buster sword. "Stay away from me!!!!!"   
"Fine! What?"   
"Get over here now!!!!!"   
"Why?!?!"   
"Because if you don't come now, I'm gonna go insane and have some weirdo all over me!!!!! Insane, like Locke!!!!"   
"That's pretty darned insane..... I'll be over in a jiffy!!!!!" Maia hears a dial tone. Three seconds later, Beatrix comes and beats the crap out of Cloud, leaving him semi-conscious on the ground. Maia and Beatrix run off and end up on one of those amazon women islands where Maia can rest for a few days.... Cloud sits up dazedly...   
"What a woman!" he mutters before falling into complete unconsciousness. 

Maia's Note: Don't get me wrong! I really like Cloud, but having him making out with me? Noooo thank you! I'm too busy for a boyfriend!! Lee, on the other hand...... *hears Lee and Sephiroth STILL making out* Shiva, she needs to come to this amazon island.... that'll set her straight..... 

All other characters in this fic but not mentioned here: Went on with their lives. Nothing much interesting happened to them. 

Aeris: Well.........   
One night, she awoke from a dream and started to laugh crazily.   
"Hahahahahahahahaha!!! Now I know who I am! I am Ultimecia and now I shall begin the process of the ever-elusive time kompression!!!!! Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She laughed and jumped out of the bed. A doctor ran in with a large anime mallet.   
"Someone needs a sedative!" he yelled, bopping her over the head.   
"....... down I go......" Aeris muttered, collapsing onto the floor. The doctor tied her to her bed. He had successfully saved the world from Ultimecia's— I mean Aeris' wrath..... 

THE END   


Maia: So that's it. Like it? Give us feedback! 


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